"I can't fake humble just cause your ass is insecure!" Kendrick Lamar/ Pride
The reoccurring theme that I've experienced today has been simply that leaders lead! It hasn't been specifically expressed towards me from any one person, it's just been the overall theme from the little bit of t.v. that I'd watched this morning before leaving out, the motivational speech I was listening to as I ran a few errands for the clothing line, and even the few pages that I turned as I was using the washroom. As I said, it hadn't felt specifically like it was for me, but I decided to examine the statement, as well as myself because of the coincidences!
Yesterday, I had an feeling of discomfort pretty much from the beginning of the day. It was a agitated spirit that seemed to be leading me until I figured out what was going on. Once I realized I was in control over my actions only, and that if I wanted better results I needed to change my attitude, the day got a little better. Although things began looking up, the feeling was still with me, kind of lying dormant ready to surface at another time. By the time I made it back home, the feeling had found it's way to my mind. I know this to be true, because I rationally made the choice to let it overtake me. I let the feeling intermingle with a concern that I had been thinking of with my girlfriend, and before I knew it, I was addressing her about the situation.
In that instance, I expressed my concerns, laid down the foundation of my case, and she listened... In all honesty I was prepared for a battle, although I really didn't want one, but because of the sensitivity of the nature, I figured we'd end up not speaking for a few days. It didn't go that way, I also wound up backing down from my position, and once I did that it allowed me to address the true culprit of my aggravation!
I had begun the process of returning to the work setting after being independent for almost two years, and I was afraid! I was afraid of losing the independent spirit that had carried me through the last eighteen or so months. I'd learned that making my way, although at times seeming very uncertain, was the closest thing that I had felt to freedom for a long time. A steady paycheck with benefits was what I thought I needed to feel secure once upon a time, but after losing the job that supplied that security, I learned that it had all been an illusion, at least for me. I had to get out on the grind, with no time to grieve, nor stutter, I had to make something happen, and the Lord blessed me all the way. Returning to the old model, without full consideration of it felt like treason to my spirit. I know this sounds dramatic to some, but this is the way I had felt deep down, and I didn't know it at the time.
Luckily, I was able to figure out how to weigh the situation out, as well as implement strategies so that returning to the day to day didn't completely take away my freedom. I must say that it was my woman who was the true leader who lead us past what could've been an unnecessary storm. She thanked me today for sharing with her, and for us being able to have the conversation without allowing it to escalate... Truth is, the only thing I did right was fall back from the b.s. that I had let my mind entertain, she had lead the way, I was just smart enough to follow!!!!