Guard your own gates 2
Some of you may recognize the description, others may not, but it's from the last track on the Audacity of Hip-hop Album located on the greeting page of the website!
If the title seemed like a shameless plug, so be it, I'm not apologizing for that! I actually think it's a dope piece of work, not because I did it, but because it speaks to my true nature. I've often tried to change certain things about myself to make this life journey smoother, on many cases I've been successful, but others seem too stubborn to acquiesce..
Learning how dangerous a tool the tongue can be, even a double edged sword harming others as well as yourself, I've become much more cautious with my words. Over the years that frame of mind has seemed to serve me well. It's kept me out of common misunderstandings with my peers, as well as added a layer of mystery to curious members of the opposite sex. But on the downside, it has at times made me feel a little lonely.
Because I'm not a mute, I've had people that I confide in, the few that I could say probably at the time knew me best. In some cases those were close friends, co-workers, as well as ex relations. Whatever the situation was, it was someone that I developed trust with, enough for me to give what I'm often not comfortable giving. So when the relationship or friendship ends because of misunderstandings, change of a job, separation, or even death.. it's devastating!
The passing of my grandmother at the time of her passing was the hardest loss that I'd ever had to deal with. My depression was deeper than any person on this Earth knew. I had no-one to share that with, because the one that I shared that type of thing with was gone. Coming out of it was a personal hell, and what made it worse is that no-one knew..
I'm sure some of my friends and family knew I hadn't been myself for a long time, but I don't believe they knew why because I didn't know how to express it.
Once I was able to become a better version of myself, I learned to put certain mechanisms in place to keep from going back into that type of depression. Part of my defense became viewing loss from a different perspective, whether the loss of friendship, relationship, or death, I've become thankful for the time that's been given. That's not to say that I don't feel it, and that depending on who the person is to me that it won't be harder to move forward.. I just understand now that the process of moving forward is essential to the maintenance and guarding of my own mental gate!